


Could Never Be Heaven Without You

by alivinghumangirl



Series: Let's Screw Our Way Through the End Times [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (it starts out angsty but it's mostly happy), Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Reunion in Heaven, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Coda, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Fix-It, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Porn with Feelings, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Season/Series 15, Smut, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:47:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alivinghumangirl/pseuds/alivinghumangirl
Summary: Dean had given up hope of seeing Cas again, then one morning he came out of his house to find Cas just standing next to his car. Dean walked over and leant against the Impala."Where have you been, baby?" Dean said, looking down at the roof of the car.Cas looked away like he was giving Dean a moment of privacy with the Impala."I'm not talking to the car.”“What?” Cas’s head whipped round to face him."Dammit, I'm not talking to the car, Cas! I'm talking to you. The car’s been here the whole time. Where were you?”“I didn't think you'd want to see me. You told me not do it...” Cas said hoarsely.“I meant don't fucking kill yourself! Don’t leave me. Don't sacrifice yourself for me." His voice broke. "I'm not worth it."“You’re worth more than all of creation to me, Dean. I would die a thousand times for you.”“Cas-”“It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything. I never expected you to love me back.”“Of course I love you back, you fucking idiot,” Dean shouted.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Let's Screw Our Way Through the End Times [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022551
Comments: 8
Kudos: 221





	Could Never Be Heaven Without You

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic is from the song Could Never Be Heaven by Brand New.

Heaven wasn't meant to hurt this much. Dean had begun to suspect he was actually in hell. Perhaps it had gotten an upgrade since he was last there. Now there was a hundred percent less flaying and hundred percent more pain. Purely psychological torture that cut so much deeper than Alastair's knife ever had. 

For a moment when he got here, Dean thought it would be okay, that he really had made it to heaven. Bobby had been sitting there waiting for him. He’d told him that Cas helped fix heaven. When he said ‘he'll be along,’ Dean had thought he meant Cas, not Sam. Not that he hadn't wanted to see his brother but it was Cas who was missing when he got to heaven, it was Cas that would make it perfect. Dean had faith that Sam was alive and that he’d be happy. He was in no rush for his brother to join him here in the afterlife. He was desperate to see Cas though. Losing him like that, seeing him taken and knowing he was going to the Empty, a dark place where Dean could never reach him, it was unbearable. More than anything, he needed to see Cas. He needed to know he was okay. He needed a chance to tell him how he felt. Even without all the unresolved issues between them, Cas was his best friend. He should be here. It wasn't heaven without him. He couldn't be happy without him. 

Dean didn't know how long he'd been here. Time was different. It seemed like only moments in some ways, but minutes felt like years without Cas. It must be years in actuality because Sam had joined him and he knew his brother had lived a long life. Cas had had plenty of time to come find him but he hadn’t. Days, years, it didn’t matter, it felt like an eternity. 

Dean carried on because that was what he always did. But he was just going through the motions. He made himself at home in cabin that had appeared in the woods shortly after he got here. It was set a fair distance from where his family lived. It was quiet and private. There was a road leading away from it that he could drive Baby down to go see his folks. So, that was what he did. He saw his family. He saw his old friends. He pretended he was fine, but inside he felt like he was dying. How do you die when you’re already dead? 

Dean had given up hope of seeing Cas again, then one morning he came out of his house to find Cas just standing next to the Impala. Dean walked toward him but couldn’t quite close the distance, couldn't quite meet his eyes. He felt overwhelmed, full of relief that Cas was there, full of anger that it had taken him so long. He leant against the Impala because he needed something to hold him up. 

"Where have you been, baby?" Dean said, looking down at the roof of the car. 

Cas looked away like he was giving Dean a moment of privacy with the Impala. 

"I'm not talking to the car.” 

“What?” Cas’s head whipped round to face him. 

"Dammit, I'm not talking to the car, Cas! I'm talking to you. The car’s been here the whole time. Where were _you?”_

“I didn't think you'd want to see me. You told me not do it...” Cas said hoarsely. 

“I meant don't fucking kill yourself! Don’t leave me. Don't sacrifice yourself for me." His voice broke. "I'm not worth it." 

“You’re worth more than all of creation to me, Dean. I would die a thousand times for you.” 

“Cas-” 

“It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything. I never expected you to love me back.” 

“Of course I love you back, you fucking idiot,” Dean shouted. 

“But I thought... you didn’t...” 

“I couldn’t say it, Cas. You told me that the Empty would come for you if you experienced a moment of true happiness. I didn’t want to make you happy. I didn’t want to tell you I loved you when it might end you. I thought maybe if I didn’t say it, the Empty wouldn’t take you. But you were happy anyway, just telling me you loved me and expecting nothing in return," Dean said, tears running down his face. "But I do love you. I love you so much.” 

Dean stepped closer. He took Cas’s hand and slowly drew him in. Cas’s look of uncertainty made something squeeze in his chest. How could he have made Cas doubt him like this? Doubt the strength of his love, the existence of it at all? Dean reached his other hand to Cas’s cheek, a light cautious touch because he felt uncertain too. He didn’t deserve Cas, doubly so because he’d hurt him, left him unsure of his feelings. 

“I love you,” he repeated. “With all that I am, I love you.” 

Dean pulled Cas into an embrace and kissed him gently. It wasn't enough. It felt like Cas could turn to mist in his arms at any moment. He grabbed Cas and pushed him up against the car, caging his body in with his arms, like if he could just keep him trapped here, there’d be no more leaving, never again. Dean rested his full weight against him, as if he could anchor Cas with it, tie him to this corporeal being. Which was foolish, he supposed, since neither of them were technically corporeal anymore. But Cas was palpable, Dean could feel Cas’s body against his own and he wanted it to stay that way. His grip on Cas was bruisingly tight (if one could bruise in heaven, which seemed unlikely). His kisses grew rougher and more frenzied. Abandoning his mouth for a moment, Dean kissed and licked down Cas’s neck. He sucked hard on Cas’s throat making him gasp. When he drew back, he was glad to see a red mark forming there, it seemed there were still some bruises in heaven after all. He wanted to leave marks all over Cas, signs of ownership. He bit down on the column of Cas’s throat with punishing force. He was still angry and bitter about what felt like Cas’s abandonment. The harsh emotions wore at his restraint. Cas made a high noise and Dean nuzzled into his neck apologetically. He hadn’t meant to hurt Cas, just to scold him. 

“Sorry,” Dean said, hand massaging at Cas’s neck. “I’m barely hanging onto control here. Too much?” 

“It could never be too much, Dean. I’ll take anything you give me.” 

“Take me, Cas. Take all of me.” 

Dean dragged him toward his small house and they stumbled through the door. Dean was still frantic and Cas let himself be pushed and shoved, unresisting under Dean’s strong hands. He pressed Cas up against the hallway wall so their whole bodies were flush once more. The distance from the car, with only their fingers clasped together, had been too much. Dean took Cas’s face in his hands and just took in his beauty for a moment. Dean felt almost afraid to look away. He tried to hold Cas with his gaze as well as his hands, still scared of him disappearing. 

“Please don’t leave me again, Cas,” he whispered. 

“I'm here. I’m yours, always,” Cas reassured him. 

Dean dipped his head down to kiss Cas fiercely again, lips firm against his, tongue dominating Cas’s mouth. His hands roamed down from Cas’s shoulders, squeezed his waist and settled in to cup his ass as he ground against him. Dean pulled Cas towards him in a counterpoint to his own thrusts. Cas’s hands tangled in Dean’s hair, holding him close as he let Dean take charge, let Dean have the control that he’d been needing after feeling so lost and powerless. Cas returned his wild kisses with abandon. 

Eventually, Cas drew back and said breathlessly, “I think you should take me to bed now.” 

They made their way to the bedroom leaving a trail of scattered clothes behind them. Once naked, Cas let himself be tumbled onto the bed under Dean. He revelled in the sensation of Dean’s body covering him, pushing him down into the memory foam. The mattress was somehow even comfier in the afterlife. Dean’s bed was covered in a plaid comforter that reminded Cas of his own bed back in the bunker. He wondered if that was deliberate, if Dean had wanted to feel close to him, to think of this as their bed and hope that Cas would join him here. He ran his hand over the soft fabric. 

“It reminded me of you,” Dean told him quietly. 

“I’m here now,” Cas whispered and placed a soft, comforting kiss on his lips. 

Cas stroked his fingers through Dean’s hair as he looked up at him. Cas’s gaze had always been intense, but right now his eyes were burning through the last of Dean’s defences. Peeling back the layers of cockiness and insouciance that Dean normally hid behind. It felt like Cas could see right to the very core of him. Dean felt safe yet vulnerable at the same time. He knew Cas could be trusted with everything he was, but it was still strange to be this exposed. He was naked in a way that went far beyond taking his clothes off. Baring his body had always been something Dean was comfortable with, but baring his soul was new and terrifying. 

“C’mon, Cas. Don’t look at me like that,” Dean said, ducking his head to avoid meeting his eyes, afraid if he looked too closely that Cas wouldn’t like what he saw. 

Gently, Cas placed a hand under his chin and tilted his head back up. Cas was still looking at him intently but his expression had softened. 

“I see who you are, Dean. It’s you who doesn't see the truth of yourself. You’re a good man and you are worthy of love.” 

Cas kissed him, which had the dual benefit of Dean not getting stared at anymore and once again getting to feel Cas’s lips against his own. Dean tried to kiss back harder, but Cas had taken control this time and he kept their kisses slow and gentle, forcing Dean to submit to his tenderness. Cas rolled them over until he was the one on top and ran his hands down Dean’s body while he clutched at Cas’s shoulders. He trailed kisses down Dean’s neck, pausing here and there to nip and suck. Cas lavished attention on Dean’s body, anointing his chest with soft lips and warm touches. Dean’s skin tingled. He buzzed with awareness at every point of contact between them. Dean felt more alive than he ever had before dying. Being with Cas this way, with all the walls that had been between them broken down, was like an awakening. It was all-consuming and glorious. Cas ran his tongue across Dean’s nipple and he keened. 

“Just hurry up and fuck me already!” Dean said, reaching for the lube that had magically appeared on the bedside table and handing it to Cas pointedly. 

“So impatient,” Cas teased, smiling down at him indulgently. “If I promise to fuck you hard and fast later, will you let me make love to you slowly this time round?” 

“Fine, but I can’t wait much longer,” Dean grumbled. 

“My love, we have all the time in the world. We have forever.” 

“Say that last thing again.” 

“We have forever,” Cas promised. 

Dean tugged Cas closer to kiss him. Cas let that continue for a few minutes before he pulled away. He worked his way down Dean’s body, licking and kissing. When he reached Dean’s waist, Cas stroked his hands down his thighs as he gently spread Dean’s legs apart. He knelt in the space he’d made between them. Dean watched him, breathing shallowly in anticipation. Cas coated his fingers in lube. His slick fingertips circled Dean’s entrance slowly. Dean whined and pushed his hips into the touch, but Cas wouldn’t let himself be rushed. He placed his other hand on Dean’s hip, holding him still. 

“Soon,” he soothed. “We’ll get there.” 

He gave Dean’s hip a warning squeeze, reminding him to stay still, before he released it in favour of taking hold of Dean’s cock. His other hand kept up its teasing as he leant down and took the head of Dean’s cock in his mouth. Cas swirled his tongue around the tip languidly. The dual sensations of hand and tongue made Dean moan and Cas smiled around his cock at the sound. He swallowed more of Dean’s length down as he slowly pressed a finger inside him. Cas pushed the single digit in and out gently until he felt Dean relax enough to take another. He moved his fingers unhurriedly, working Dean open while he sucked him. Cas crooked his fingers slightly, rubbing them more firmly across his prostate. Dean was panting and coming apart under his attentions. He made a desperate sound that was almost a sob. Cas drew back his head and removed his fingers carefully. 

“Shhh, I have you,” he assured Dean. 

Cas placed a soft kiss on the head of Dean’s cock, then made his way up his body to kiss his lips. He grabbed the lube again to cover his shaft with it. Cas slid into Dean with excruciatingly exquisite slowness. Dean sighed with relief when he was finally seated fully inside him. Cas brought a hand up- the one that wasn’t still sticky with lube- to the side of Dean’s face. He traced his thumb across Dean’s cheekbone as he looked at him adoringly. He held Dean’s gaze as he gently rocked into him. 

“I love you,” Cas told him fervently. 

“And I you,” Dean replied with equal ardour. 

He clung to Cas tightly as he moved. Arms didn’t seem like enough, so he wrapped his legs around him too, holding Cas close in every way he could. He pulled Cas down into a kiss and let himself be immersed in the feeling of Cas over and inside him. Every so often, Cas would draw back slightly just to look at him or murmur words of affection into his ear. Cas’s love making was achingly sweet and tender, and it turned out to be exactly what Dean needed. He always gave Dean what he needed. Cas reached between their bodies to stroke Dean and it pushed him over the edge. Dean’s climax built slowly but powerfully and, when he came, he felt the release through his whole body. Cas soon followed him. He buried his head in the crook of Dean’s neck and moaned against his skin as he orgasmed. 

Cas pulled out and lay side by side with dean, drawing him into a warm hug. Dean was trembling slightly as Cas stroked his back. He was overwhelmed. This had felt like so much more than sex. _Could your heart have an orgasm?_ Dean wondered idly. No, that was dumb, and definitely something you’d need to see a doctor about if you were still alive, because if you thought your heart was orgasming that was probably a heart attack, or maybe a mental disorder. Dean’s brain didn’t seem to be functioning properly right now. Okay, heart orgasms were stupid, but he just didn’t have the words to express how this felt, even in his own head. Fucking Cas was so much more than cocks and come and bodies. He felt it in his heart, he felt it in his soul. Being with Cas this way was like being remade. Dean knew who he was becoming was so much better than who he had been. The problem was that you had to be taken apart before you could be remade, so there was a moment in the process of metamorphosis where he was just utterly broken. Cas held Dean together while he cried softly and told Cas he loved him over and over. 

“I have you, darling, I’m here,” Cas said and kissed the tears from Dean’s cheeks.

He hugged Dean tight and continued to whisper words of love and devotion while Dean gathered himself. The feeling of being comprised of scattered, disparate pieces faded gradually and Dean finally felt whole. He had a sense of completeness he’d never felt before. Like lying here with Cas was what his whole life had been leading towards. Dean felt like he was who he was meant to be now, like being with Cas made him a better version of himself. 

“You’ll stay?” he asked Cas. 

“Always.” 

And finally, _finally,_ it felt like heaven. 

**Author's Note:**

> I took a break from writing my very fluffy SPN Christmas fic to write this instead and make myself cry (I'm still processing 15x20, okay?)! I hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you think- I'd love to hear from you :)
> 
> Also, I’m on tumblr:[alivinghumangirl.tumblr.com](https://alivinghumangirl.tumblr.com/) I have no idea what I’m doing there- come say hi!


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